Chapter 3:4 Escaping Responsibility;
The Joy Ride Ends

< Chapter 3:3                                                            Chapter 3:5 >

By this point in my drinking career, escaping responsibility had become hidden in an illusion of grandeur that I was just “moving on“. I was just 17 years old when I began outpacing the bikers on how much we would drink, or how long we would party. I kept that idea of being the best at the forefront of my mind when it came to partying. But soon I would have another experience like the one with my cousin happen that put me back into that place of feeling like a total fool, and started me on a search for another place to fit in. The pattern of running from my mistakes and escaping responsibility had become a natural habit.

It was the summer of 1982 when we decided to take a trip to an amusement park in Hershey Pennsylvania, the home of Hershey Chocolate. It was about a 2-hour ride from where we lived, so we left early in the morning. I was at least 6 years younger than everyone else, but by now I had become one of the gang. Everywhere they went, I went no questions asked.

It was a great day for a road trip. The sky was a gorgeous blue, the temperature was just right, and there were several places for us to stop and drink on the way. As we walked around the park, even though we were outside of our local area, we seemed to be recognized and respected. It was like being a celebrity and I loved the feeling. But it would all end soon. As we rode home that night, we stopped at 7 or 8 bars doing what was now a natural part of a road trip for us. I had just enough to drink to be at that place where you feel you have an edge. I wasn’t drunk yet, but was feeling good.

Have you ever been driving along and something catches your attention and when you look back in front of you, you are headed for a problem? We were about 30 minutes from home when I looked off to the edge of the road, and when I looked back, all I saw in front of me were the brake lights of every one of the motorcycles that were in front of me. I was traveling at about 40 miles an hour when I slammed on both my front and back brakes sliding the bike sideways and into the back end of the guy in front of me. Luckily both of us were able to maintain control and no one crashed. As we pulled off to the side of the road tempers flared as all of the guys I was riding with were screaming at me for having too much to drink and risking their safety. I was deep into that feeling of being “stupid” again. The way we were riding, a line of 8, with two bikes side by side, my mistake could have seriously injured 3-4 of us. If any one of us had lost control and gone down, more than likely, we would have each taken the rider beside us down with us.

The embarrassment of another drunken mistake reinforced my self-loathing. I began to avoid the gang, going into town earlier before they would begin to ride, and going to bars that they didn’t hang out in often. I also started looking for another place to fit in. You see, in all of this drinking and escaping from my pain, I was also learning a pattern of escaping responsibility and running from accountability. If I did something that I had to face up to, it was easier for me to disconnect and disappear, than repair the damage. Escapism became my motto. Isolation was its companion.

< Chapter 3:3                                                            Chapter 3:5 >

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