Establishing Personal Boundaries;
It's OK To Say No

Self-Awareness 101 Episode 15: Establishing Personal Boundaries; Its OK To Say No

Do you ever find yourself doing things that you really don't want to do? More specifically, do you find yourself doing things that are out of alignment with who you truly are? Today we want to explore establishing personal boundaries and get into why do you actually agree to do things that put you in turmoil, doing things that aren't aligned with who you desire to be.

< EP 14: Growth Is Optional               EP 16: External Resistance To Change >

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Today we're going to discuss becoming aware that you always have choices. Most importantly, the choice that it's ok to say "No."

Do you ever find yourself doing things that you really don't want to do? More specifically, do you find yourself doing things that are out of alignment with who you truly are? We discussed this a little bit in a previous episode, where we talked about over-committing. But today we want to get into this more deeply and discuss establishing personal boundaries. Have you ever struggled with asking yourself why do you actually agree to do things that put you in turmoil, that aren't aligned with who you desire to be? You know, all of us have had situations happen in our lives where we go against our own gut feelings.

We do it because we feel we have to. And what I've found in conversations with people, by simply asking them, "Well, why did you do this when it went against your own rules or values?" is that most people are not good at establishing personal boundaries and feel they don't have any other choice. I'm here to tell you that in every situation, you always have options. You always have choices. Now, you have to be accountable for those choices that you make, you may have to take responsibility that you are not comfortable with these other options, but you always have more than one option.

When I say this, people will inevitably tell me, "Look it's my job. I have to do it because if I don't do it, then I won't have my job." I'm sorry, you have a choice. Get another job. Now I'm not telling you that you can walk away from the job you have immediately, but you do have the option to say. "You know what, this is not in alignment with who I am. So I need to go out and I need to start looking for another job." People can come up with all sorts of excuses why they don't want to do that, but what it really comes down to....well, in a few minutes we're going to ask you what it all comes down to. Why are you fighting that idea? What is preventing you from establishing personal boundaries and standing by them?

I'll share a personal story of mine. I was working as a DJ at a club in Pennsylvania. I was making good money doing what I was doing, enjoying what I was doing. And there was one night where one of the female employees got extremely intoxicated. She was so drunk she could barely walk. And I was trying to stop her from leaving the club, blocking her was as she was trying to walk out the door and trying to get her to give me her car keys, the owner called me away to his office. Against my own better judgment, I stepped away to see what he wanted asking her to wait until I got back. And the moment I stepped away, she slipped out the door, got in her car, and left. When I went back and found out she left, I went to the owner and said, "Do you realize that she was totally intoxicated?" And he was very flippant about it, "Yeah, that's why I sent her home. She does that all the time." I then asked him why he didn't have her sleep it off or have someone take her keys if he knew she was that drunk and he told me it was not my concern and that she drove that way all the time.

In that moment, I had a choice. I had the choice of saying, "Eh, ok, she does it all the time" or I had the choice of saying "this is NOT a place that I want to work for. If the person running this place does not respect their own employees' lives enough to make sure she does not get in the car while she's intoxicated, I need to make the choice to leave." Which is what I did. Now I'm not going to say that I quit that night and left. What I did do, was I put the wheels in motion to find another position at another club because I was not willing to live out of alignment with myself.

So, I want to ask you. What are some areas in your life where you're noticing that it's a habit that you're saying yes when you really want to say no? What is an area that you know you should start establishing personal boundaries? It could be at your job. It could be with a friend. Maybe a friend is asking you to lie to cover up their actions. Maybe they're having an affair, maybe they're stealing; and they're asking you to lie for them. And maybe you're the type of person that normally wouldn't lie to cover your own butt, yet, you are lying for them. Now here's the big question; Why?

Think about this for a moment. You know when you're out of alignment with yourself. Your gut tenses up, everything inside of you tenses up. Think right now of situations in your life, where you've been doing things, where you've been saying yes, when really the best thing for you would have been to say no. Notice how it feels when you think about this situation. Think about one of those moments right now, and write it down. Now ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" Is it fear? Is it some issue with authority? What has been preventing you from establishing personal boundaries and sticking to them in this situation? Ask yourself why. You may not even know at the moment. But I want you to become aware that you have a choice. People fight with me on this all the time. Immediately they push back saying, "No I don't." Yes, you always have a choice. Actually you always have at least three. Yes, No, and There's got to be another option.

So, this coming week, when you run into one of these situations, and it could be a big situation like your job, but let's start off focusing on something small. Let's take a moment and think about some other situation where you need to begin establishing personal boundaries. Maybe you're committing to something and saying yes when you're really not aligned with it. And as you take a moment to think about it now, notice how you could stop yourself in that moment, when it happens this week, because you've already explored establishing personal boundaries on this specific subject and written it down knowing that this situation comes up. Take a moment to prepare yourself by coming up with other options. Then when it does happen, stop yourself in that moment. Ask yourself, "Why am I getting ready to go against my own spirit, and say yes to something that just isn't right for me?" Then remember the other options you came up with. And again, I encourage you to say no, but a baby step could even be saying, "You know what? I'm not really ready to commit to that right now. Let's talk about it and I'll get back to you later." Even that could be a stretch outside of your comfort zone. But the idea of this is recognizing you always have a choice.

I look forward to seeing how this episode plays into you establishing personal boundaries in your life, and the results you get. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Take care.

Watch the next video in the series Dealing with External Resistance 

< EP 14: Growth Is Optional               EP 16: External Resistance To Change >

Choose the next Episode you would like to watch from the list below:

Self-Awareness 101 Series with Transcription Plus

Introduction To Self-Awareness 101:  To Inspire, Educate and Empower
SA 101 Episode 1:  The Importance of Developing Self-Awareness 
SA 101 Episode 2:  How to Truly Learn from Mistakes
SA 101 Episode 3:  To Soar, I Needed To Let Go Of The Past
SA 101 Episode 4:  The Meaning That We Give Things
SA 101 Episode 5:  Kind Words And Good Deeds Are Eternal
SA 101 Episode 6:  Life Begins At The End Of Your Comfort Zone
SA 101 Episode 7:  Two Most Powerful Words You'll Ever Say
SA 101 Episode 8:  Making Time For What's Truly Important
SA 101 Episode 9:  Expectations and Desires About How It Ought To Be
SA 101 Episode 10:  Tap Into The Sources Of The Universe
SA 101 Episode 11:  The Four Agreements
SA 101 Episode 12:  Courage-Being Scared But Saddling Up Anyways
SA 101 Episode 13:  The Power Of Belief Systems
SA 101 Episode 14:  Change Is Inevitable, Growth Is Optional
SA 101 Episode 15:  Establishing Personal Boundaries; It's OK To Say No
SA 101 Episode 16:  Encountering External Resistance To Change
SA 101 Episode 17:  Creating A Supportive Environment
SA 101 Episode 18:  Our Decisions Determine Who We Become
SA 101 Episode 19:  Personal Development Tests
SA 101 Episode 20:  A List Of Excuses Vs. Results
SA 101 Episode 21:  The Meaning Of Honesty
SA 101 Episode 22:  Living In Gratitude
SA 101 Episode 23:  Repetitive Patterns
SA 101 Episode 24:  Non-Verbal Cues
SA 101 Episode 25:  Be Brave Enough To Accept The Help Of Others
SA 101 Episode 26:  Positive Thoughts And Positive Intentions
SA 101 Episode 27:  Active Listening Skills
SA 101 Episode 28:  How Self-Awareness Relates To Spirituality
SA 101 Episode 29:  Positive Affirmations 
SA 101 Episode 30:  Basic Meditation Exercises
SA 101 Episode 31:  Personal Development At Work
SA 101 Episode 32:  Toxic Shame
SA 101 Episode 33:  Eliminating Clutter
SA 101 Episode 34:  How To Forgive Others
SA 101 Episode 35:  Self-Forgiveness
SA 101 Episode 36:  Deepening Self-Awareness 
SA 101 Episode 37:  What Is Fear?
SA 101 Episode 38:  How To Overcome Fear
SA 101 Episode 39:  Dealing With Your Anger
SA 101 Episode 40:  How To Find Your Passion
SA 101 Episode 41:  Increasing Your Self-Awareness
SA 101 Episode 42:  How To Feel Deserving
SA 101 Episode 43:  How To Be A Humble Observer
SA 101 Episode 44:  Progress Not Perfection
SA 101 Episode 45:  Expectations And Perfectionism
SA 101 Episode 46:  Dealing With Anger
SA 101 Episode 47:  Taking Responsibility For Yourself
SA 101 Episode 48:  Achieving Higher Consciousness
SA 101 Episode 49:  Trust Life
SA 101 Episode 50:  Being Skeptical
SA 101 Episode 51:  Benefits Of Closure
SA 101 Episode 52:  The Final Episode 

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