Being A Humble Observer

Self-Awareness 101 Episode 43: Being A Humble Observer

In this episode Willard discusses how we often make judgments as to how something is "good" or "bad" without really looking at the bigger picture. What would happen if we were able to observe without judging? We choose the meaning something will have based on the way we perceive and judge the situation.

< EP 42: How To Feel Deserving             EP 44: Progress Not Perfection >

As part of this video series, we offer "Transcriptions Plus". After the video has been recorded, it is transcribed and then Willard adds content to expand on any areas that he believes will bring added value to the reader. We hope that after watching the video Being A Humble Observer, you will also take a moment to review the transcription and let us know your thoughts by posting your comments in our Forums

One of the greatest gifts for me in doing this program is getting to connect with some of you who are watching the videos. I hear some of the greatest stories through your emails and now a lot of people are becoming friends on Facebook and Twitter. Along with great stories of your own accomplishments, some of you have also engaged me in very thought provoking conversations, which I truly enjoy and appreciate.

Recently a young lady named Stephanie from the United Kingdom who is studying to become a counselor has been chatting with me about the discoveries she is making on her own journey of self-awareness. The other day we were talking about how much time we spend making judgments about people and situations, and how those judgments affect our current reality. As an example, when you are not focused on being self-aware, it is so easy to blame everybody else for things that may be happening to you. Or you may judge and blame yourself harshly when you make a mistake labeling yourself as a “failure” or limiting your expectations of what you are capable of.

But when you begin to truly look at things from the perspective of becoming self-aware, rather than being a judge, you become an observer. I like to use the term ”Humble Observer". What I mean by this is having the ability to step back and become aware of what is going on with other people, and what is happening with yourself without making a judgment about it. Just observing the experience, without judging it.

So many of us have been taught that things are either right or wrong, good or bad and that everything is simply black or white. Without realizing it, we have been taught to place a value judgment on everything. And these judgments often have absolutely nothing to do with what is happening in the present moment. We create these value judgments about what is happening in the present moment based on our past experiences. When something happens we think to ourselves, “When X happened in the past Y was the result.” And we place a value judgment on that past experience that it was good, bad, exciting, frightening, orgasmic or traumatic. Then based on the result of that past experience we decide that we are going to judge this new experience as good or bad. Next time that situation comes up, or something similar, we attach that previous judgment directly to it. And other times we create judgments on future expectations without even knowing what is going to happen. With little to no information, we make presumptions or hallucinations about what we think the outcome is going to be.

Being a humble observer is about having the ability to step back and recognize that in reality, there is no good or bad. There is no right or wrong. That is simply a judgment that we have chosen to attach to an individual experience. As we become a humble observer we begin to realize that when something happens we have numerous options. We begin to see that it’s not what happens that matters, it’s what we do with it. What is important is how we apply that experience in our lives. What do we do in that moment as we move forward? Being a humble observer takes us out of “reactive” mode and allows us to respond in a healthy way.

As an example, let’s look at the loss of my leg. People usually judge that as being a “bad thing” that happened “to” me. I can't tell you how often people tell me that they are sorry I lost my leg and that I had all these things happen because of it. And although I appreciate their empathy, there is nothing for them to feel sorry about. I say that because what I used to perceive as a “traumatic experience”, was actually one of the greatest gifts of my life. But even when I say that, I am placing a value judgment on the experience. In reality, it was what it was. Plain and simple, it was an experience.

Life, in my belief, is about having and creating new experiences. When we label them or place a judgment on them we limit o8ur options and all possibilities. Judgment prevents us from fully embracing what those experiences are.

Here is a real world example. If you judge someone based on the way that they look, or the way that they speak, or something else about them, and you haven't even spoken to this person before, you are robbing yourself of a potentially amazing relationship that you could have. Have you ever met someone, and when you first met them you made judgments about them, and then later on found out that they were nothing like you imagined? Maybe even over time they became your best friend? How many other possible amazing relationships have you missed out on because of judgments?

Here’s another real world example. What about judgments that you make about other people when you're in your car? Have you ever had someone cut you off, and without knowing anything about this person, you make a judgment about what kind of person they are and you start yelling and screaming and calling them names? Let me ask you a question. Have you ever cut somebody else off in your car? And was it because you were a bad person or that you aren’t considerate? Maybe it was because you just didn't see them? Maybe it was because you were swerving to miss a child that was stepping out onto the street. Couldn’t it have been the same thing for them?

Why is it important to become a humble observer? We are so full of judgments about everything and we are not even aware of how it controls our life. We create whole scenarios about things we have no knowledge of based around these judgments.

When we learn to become a humble observer, we step back and simply observe allowing ourselves to be open to all possibilities. We acknowledge that we don't know what is happening in that other person's life. We don't know why they're yelling and screaming over something that seems so trivial. They could have just lost the most important person to them. A family member may have passed away and this is the way that they are reacting to what they are feeling. Is it more constructive for me to judge them or do I need to observe? What would happen if I removed judgment and stepped back taking myself out of the picture. What if I allowed myself to just be present with what's happening in that moment and observe it?

Becoming a humble observer allows you to open yourself to possibilities that judgment robs from you.

Another opportunity for being a humble observer is with the experiences you have yourself. When you feel angry, you have the option of going with that anger or you can choose to control the anger. Or you can just step back and become a humble observer of your own reactions. Imagine stepping outside of yourself and watching what is happening. As a humble observer you may say, ”Hmm, isn't that interesting? That was an interesting way I chose to react to that situation. What caused this? What can I do differently?” Being a humble observer keeps you at peace, it keeps you centered so you are able to respond rather than just react.

So the exercise that I'd like to offer you for this week, the first step in becoming a humble observer, is to first become aware of how often you are making judgments.

And for this exercise judgment means that you are choosing to label something as good or bad, right or wrong. Or you're choosing to create a story about this other person, about this other situation that you really have no facts for.

The second part of the exercise is as you become more aware that you are placing these judgments, experiment with detaching yourself. Practice stepping back and observing without an emotional attachment.

As an example, the next person that cuts you off on the highway, rather than judging them, say to yourself, “You know what, I've done that before. Rather than getting upset, let me just forgive them for doing it, because they probably didn't mean to do it, the same way that I didn't mean to do it.” Accept that you have no idea what is happening in their car, what they are seeing or hearing, and that the experience really has no meaning other than the one you give it.

Another benefit of doing this is when you forgive them for this “perceived” harm that has been done to you; you are not just forgiving them but also forgiving yourself. I want to refer you back to a couple of other videos we've done in the series, one how to forgive others and one on self-forgiveness, because these skills are useful for letting go of judgment and becoming a humble observer.

The next part of the exercise is when you notice that you are judging yourself, making yourself wrong, or wanting to punish yourself; again step back, become the humble observer and say, “What was the trigger that set me off? What wasn't I doing that allowed me to come out of the place of peace?”

Becoming a humble observer will teach you so much about yourself, so much about other people and it will lead to an amazing growth.

So I look forward to your feedback, I look forward to your comments. I look forward to hearing what you've learned about yourself. Take Care.

< EP 42: How To Feel Deserving             EP 44: Progress Not Perfection >

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